I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
