you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
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You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize