Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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