Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
