so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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