wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
