i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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