worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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