I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
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Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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