If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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