How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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