The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
