I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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