He asked me if I "almost moaned"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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