it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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