I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
