Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
