He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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