theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
