He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We need a shit load of segways right now
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
