My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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