cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
