Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
