i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
