answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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