I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
