dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
