We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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