I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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