All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Randomize
