you traded sex for a burrito?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
