he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
40s are totally the cure
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
