Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
