i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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