You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
