someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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