I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day