I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
