ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
