The maid of honor just puked.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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