News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
