and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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