Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
