Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
