We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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