I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're making bets on your personal life
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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