he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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