if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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