Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
