a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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