so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
where are my eyebrows?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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