I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
