Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
