NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
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