weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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