Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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