Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just gargled with NyQuil
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
