omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
