I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
