i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
