Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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