My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
