no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
